After a virtual wrestling match to get him settled down a little, TJ interrupted our pre-nap rocking time today to inform me that he was going downstairs to call Mommy. I was curious and rather caught off-guard... I started to correct him that we can't call Mommy in Heaven, but we could pray and ask God to give her a message, maybe. He didn't like that idea. I offered him my cell phone and asked if he'd like to use it. Before I handed it to him, I scrolled through the applications for something special...
A couple weeks ago, before I disconnected Leslie's old cell phone service, I saved her voice greeting on my Blackberry. Not sure why... It was just a beautiful and simple little snippet of her "healthy" voice, and at the time I couldn't "say good-bye" to that indefinitely. So I saved it as a voice note on my phone. Fast-forward back to today, when TJ was wanting to call Mommy... I handed him the phone just as I hit the "play" button on her voice greeting. His face lit up with a paci-filled grin. He gasped with glee, and handed me the phone. "Here. YOU talk."
"We love you Mommy! We miss you! We're glad you're ALL BETTER and in Heaven! We're going to take a nap now!" That's all that I could think to say, as I pretended to hit "end call".
We went back into his room and began to pray. I thanked God for Mommy, and asked Him if he'd tell her we loved her very very much, and that we're very happy that she is all better, can laugh and sing again, is all done coughing, and that she doesn't need oxygen to breathe. I carefully watched TJ's reaction between my half-closed eyelids, and he was smiling the whole time. At one point, he opened his eyes to remind me, "And pray for my drum that Mommy is getting ready for me."
He is honestly so pleased with the idea of Mommy's final healing. I'm realizing more how difficult her battle was on him. But, now that the "dust is settling" around here, I'm realizing simply that he is really missing her being around. (Of COURSE! How COULDN'T he???) He is constantly noticing things of hers-- her shoes, her vitamins, her bathrobe, etc... And his "detachment issue" phase is intensifying-- now he struggles when I even leave the room, and he screams like mad when I leave the house. I just wish there was a way for me to give him the comfort and nurturing that came so naturally from her. I wish I could make my face feel and smell more like hers. "You're SCRATCHY!" He reminds me about a half-dozen times a day. He misses Mommy's skin. Her cuddles. He just doesn't know how to communicate it. I'm learning to "hear" the message through these other little "outlets".
And every new message received just breaks my heart. "God, protect this little boy."