I've had a lot of "windshield time" today, and the blackberry has been pretty quiet. So I've had an opportunity to reflect... do a little self-check-up. Ask my self the question I get dozens of times a day... "How are you doing?"
It's been a weird week, emotionally. Previously, every minute of every day was FILLED with the thought of Leslie. Sweet memories. That ache of loss and loneliness in the pit of my stomach. The palpable sorrow and grief, mixed with that senseless peace and inexplicable quiet joy that she had "won". The services were truly what kept me going, as I said in a previous post-- they were just a perfect time of grieving, closure, celebration, and healing. But now that the memorial services are over, I suddenly feel like it all happened so long ago. I hate that my mind seems to be trying to "file it and move on". I know it's a subconscious coping mechanism, and a horrible "man-trait". But part of me wants to get back to living as if nothing has changed... Just make the adjustments and get back to living. Several times a day, I'll reach for my phone to call her, just to check in. Then I'll get angry with myself. "How can I FORGET?! How could I let that feeling leave me for that moment!? How could I let myself get distracted by the task at hand, or the details and events of the day?! Now, get back to MISSING her! Back to grieving!". But it's not something I can just manufacture-- that ache in my soul. I can't turn it off and on. It just comes and goes on its own. And I HATE to admit that, yes, it indeed has been "gone" at times, these past few days. I hate that now, frankly, at any moment for any period of time during the day, I can be doing pretty well. Feeling fine.
The flip side is that it works the other way, too. There are moments when I should be having fun, enjoying myself, etc. But I can't. I'm just miserable. And then others when I'm doing fine when BAM! Out of nowhere I "spontaneously combust" into tears and grief-- only for a moment, but SO intensely. Something usually triggers these outbursts- the other night it was a picture on the mantle that caught my eye. BAM! Today, it was talking to a friend I hadn't talked to since before she died. BAM!
But I feel guilty when I catch myself in the act of "being happy" or "feeling good". (I know it's stupid. "False guilt" perhaps.) I'll have a good day at work. Play and giggle with TJ. Feel that "high" I get after a good workout. And I just get the feeling that it's not right to feel this good, not even 2 months after she's gone. It's not fair for me to enjoy myself so much, doing things that we both used to enjoy together... living the life that once was OURS.
And then I get thinking about her joy and peace and perfect unity with her Savior today... what she's experiencing right now. And I think to myself, "you think she'd even WANT to trade what she's got now just to share a little more earthly pleasure with YOU? Get OVER yourself! She's in a better place, now." But that doesn't really make me feel any better. I think maybe I need to go back and re-read my post about being "filled up vs. poured out". God, grant me grace today. Allow me (as a friend advised yesterday) to grant mySELF grace on these matters...
So yeah. That's what I'm thinking about what I'm thinking, this week. Feeling about what I'm feeling. Or whatever. We'll call it a periodic "progress report".