I found myself trying to pray, as I took Jack on his abbreviated walk (always within sight of the house) after TJ fell asleep tonight. The void seems overwhelming tonight. I miss her so much. And I just didn't know what to pray.
I asked if He would give her a giant hug and tell her how much I miss her. But no... I don't want her to grieve, as if grieving were even possible in Heaven. So maybe... just tell her I can't wait to be with her. I'm ready, God. Take me now. Let me be with her again. Let me be free of this burden. But no... TJ needs me here. But surely God would provide if He were to reunite us "prematurely"...?? No... stop the crazy thoughts. TJ needs me, and I wouldn't trade these few short years for anything. I just want to cherish every moment...
Okay, maybe, God... just give me some relief... fill the void. Lift the burden that just seems unbearable.
But no... The void-- or maybe this "burden"-- is all that remains. It's the only real, present connection with Leslie that remains for my heart to feel. She is no longer here. Her love and being are now greater than the version of her which once possessed me. She is now whole. Certainly not grieving my loss. Surely, in mere moments to her, I'll be there with her for Eternity. So, maybe, in the meantime, I don't really want this feeling to go away... Ever... I don't want my heart to EVER let go of her... to ever be soothed of the pain that remains with me, in wake that her beauty has left behind. It's all that's left of the blessing of the marriage and union that we had. It's all that remains of the life we lived.
God, all I ever wanted to do was to love her. With YOUR love. With all the love You planted in the depths of my being. The love you purposed in me at my very conception. I know I fell short of the perfection she is now experiencing... but really... What are you DOING, taking her from me??? Were you not honored? Were you not glorified in our marriage?
Certainly, He is glorified even more tonight. He has His Leslie there before him, in perfect completion. More beautiful than ever. Heaven is blessed tonight, indeed.
So... what with me? What with the half of my soul that remains here in mortality? Do I ask to be "healed"? To be allowed to "move on"? To "go on living", with this void filled? Freed of this burden? Or do I simply embrace it? "This is the path I've chosen for you." "This is your cross. Bear it." Is that how this goes?
I honestly don't know tonight which I would prefer:
Do I pray for the void to be filled? Peace to be granted? For my heart to be healed? To be allowed to eventually "move on"?
Or would I rather stay here... with half of my soul? Somehow more intimately connected with her memory in the loneliness and void I'm left with these nights? Left crying out to God, longing for my Leslie? My heart broken, poured out, empty.
I honestly don't know...