Wednesday, August 27, 2008

To fill the void, or to be poured out?

I found myself trying to pray, as I took Jack on his abbreviated walk (always within sight of the house) after TJ fell asleep tonight. The void seems overwhelming tonight. I miss her so much. And I just didn't know what to pray.

I asked if He would give her a giant hug and tell her how much I miss her. But no... I don't want her to grieve, as if grieving were even possible in Heaven. So maybe... just tell her I can't wait to be with her. I'm ready, God. Take me now. Let me be with her again. Let me be free of this burden. But no... TJ needs me here. But surely God would provide if He were to reunite us "prematurely"...?? No... stop the crazy thoughts. TJ needs me, and I wouldn't trade these few short years for anything. I just want to cherish every moment...

Okay, maybe, God... just give me some relief... fill the void. Lift the burden that just seems unbearable.

But no... The void-- or maybe this "burden"-- is all that remains. It's the only real, present connection with Leslie that remains for my heart to feel. She is no longer here. Her love and being are now greater than the version of her which once possessed me. She is now whole. Certainly not grieving my loss. Surely, in mere moments to her, I'll be there with her for Eternity. So, maybe, in the meantime, I don't really want this feeling to go away... Ever... I don't want my heart to EVER let go of her... to ever be soothed of the pain that remains with me, in wake that her beauty has left behind. It's all that's left of the blessing of the marriage and union that we had. It's all that remains of the life we lived.

God, all I ever wanted to do was to love her. With YOUR love. With all the love You planted in the depths of my being. The love you purposed in me at my very conception. I know I fell short of the perfection she is now experiencing... but really... What are you DOING, taking her from me??? Were you not honored? Were you not glorified in our marriage?

Certainly, He is glorified even more tonight. He has His Leslie there before him, in perfect completion. More beautiful than ever. Heaven is blessed tonight, indeed.

So... what with me? What with the half of my soul that remains here in mortality? Do I ask to be "healed"? To be allowed to "move on"? To "go on living", with this void filled? Freed of this burden? Or do I simply embrace it? "This is the path I've chosen for you." "This is your cross. Bear it." Is that how this goes?

I honestly don't know tonight which I would prefer:

Do I pray for the void to be filled? Peace to be granted? For my heart to be healed? To be allowed to eventually "move on"?

Or would I rather stay here... with half of my soul? Somehow more intimately connected with her memory in the loneliness and void I'm left with these nights? Left crying out to God, longing for my Leslie? My heart broken, poured out, empty.

I honestly don't know...

13 comments:

Organized Chaos said...

I don't know either...I just know that my heart is heavy for you and I will pray that you sense God's leading.

I guess its a good thing we don't really need to know what words to pray.

Kristi said...

Easily moved to tears again by your words Tyson. My heart too is heavy as I think of you and TJ; how you miss your spouse, best friend, parenting partner... and TJ missing his mommy. Know that you both continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. We will be remembering you this weekend as you have the memorial service for Leslie in Archbold.

Dave R. said...

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and heart. Your comments are as real as it gets... I know you will be led through this and the answers will become clearer with time. My prayers are with you.

Lynn said...

I am another stranger that has been following your story, Tyson. Actually, I grew up with Traci (Tiberi) Falder and Troy Tiberi-so I know of you through several degrees of separation. As I was on a walk last evening I heard a song that made me think of you and I felt it to be appropriate after reading your entry today. It is called "When I look to the Sky" by Train. I am not sure if you have heard it, but if not, you should give it a listen. My prayers are with you and TJ. You are stronger than many people I know-you will perservere.

Chelle said...

I wish I had some profound thought or answer. All I do know is that God is big enough to hear your shouts, your cries, everything that lies at the core of your heart...and He loves you deeply. Praise the Lord that your wife is whole and healed, and that you will meet again, but that doesn't fill the hole that is left.

praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I know through personal experience how hard it is to lose someone close you, someone who you feel was too young, & hadnt done enough living before they had to go meet their maker.
I want you to know that the void in your heart will never stop hurting but it will hurt less as time goes on. And one day you will see that your life does go on. And that you will be able to laugh again and truly be happy. You might even find yourself loving someone again but this time with more fire and passion because you realize now how life short is and unpredictable it is. But Leslie will never be forgotton by you, TJ nor the people she met. She will always live through you and TJ. She has left a little bit of herself in each of you.
Peace and love,
-B

Anonymous said...

Tyson, my hear breaks for you and TJ. I can't even imagine loosing Chad. It's so hard loosing a cousin, and a "double cousin" at that that I have grown up with. I have no idea what advice you need right now, so I won't even try. I will just pray. Lots. I love you both. And please know that I am crying daily with you. The pain is not going away or getting any easier for me either. It is better, than when I knew she was suffering. At least now it is our pain and not hers. And I too, kind of in a way, enjoy(ok, not sure enjoy is the right word) my crying spells. It means that I am remembering her. I think these crying spells may go on forever. And I think I can deal with that. -Jess

Amanda said...

Jerod's wife here - we've been following your blog for a while. I just wanted to direct you to another blog I follow (a Messiah College prof). Her last post had some very insightful bits about "going into" or "going with" grief, rather than "getting over" it. Her words made sense to me. And I thought of you when I read it. Here's the link if you have time: http://www.jenellparis.blogspot.com/ (in the comments section of the Tuesday post)

Melinda said...

All words really seem so inept right now. The lump in my throat and tears in my eyes allow me to feel only such a small amount of your pain. I am praying.

kim p said...

Tyson, I think God intends for you to feel the aching pain of your loss now. It's evidence of the intense love you have for Leslie, which is glorifying to Him. In His time, God will ease the searing pain and heal your broken heart. Today, just rest in the comfort of Christ. It's good to come before the Lord, unable to express our needs, because in that place of humility and dependence, we can allow Him to provide for our needs that only He understands. And we are in a place to receive God's grace and peace in an intimate way. So many times we think we know what we need, when He is the only One who truly knows. I pray that tonight you can rest in Jehovah-Jireh, your Provider, and in Jehovah-Shalom, your Peace-giver.

Anonymous said...

Tyson,
Do you know of the singing group "Selah"? I follow the blog of a wife of one of the guys in the group. They recently lost their little baby. This wife/mom has such a way with expressing her grief. The address is: audreycaroline.blogspot.com
Read the post "Blink" from Friday, July 25, 2008. This one really spoke to me. I hope you find comfort in it, too.
-praying for you in Indiana

Anonymous said...

i found your blog through who-knows-who, reading blogs can be like that kevin bacon game :) you just keep clicking from friend's blogs and before you know it you are reading a stranger's personal life story. anyway, i think you should write a book at some point, sometime - you three have an amazing story of God's faithfulness, His care and comfort, and you communicate it so clearly and personally. It has been an encouragement to hear you struggle through "life", just like we all do, and your perspective on it all is so full of truth. what do people do in a time of loss without the amazingness of Christ in their life? thanks for sharing your story...
cali

Anne said...

Thank-you for sharing your heart with us Tyson. You are grieving so well - and I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe the answer is both...and.
God is near to you.
Anne