Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"A little bit lonesome"

So... fresh in the wake of what was this morning an uplifting, honest, and rejoicing post... I thought I'd make sure everyone here knows that these wonderful days of "abiding" are not without their-- shall I recall another favorite word-- "bittersweet" moments...

Tonight when I came home from work, Miss Liz and TJ were carving our pumpkins. TJ's was almost done-- a cute littler guy with a cross-eyed, one-tooth grin. Liz was just putting the finishing touches on it. Apparently, TJ had announced that he wanted the "Daddy jack-a-lantrun" to be an "angry" one. (Boy, a shrink would have a field day with THAT one, eh?) He's picking up from seasonal decorations he observes out and about-- that some Halloween things are "silly" and others are "angry". Anyway, after I got home, Liz set to rinsing and boiling the seeds from the gutted pumpkins for roasting before leaving for the evening, while I went to work on the Angry Daddy pumpkin... with my cordless drill. (A little trick I learned from my dad... after all, what's pumpkin carving without power tools?)

The seeds turned out deliciously-- seasoned with just a pinch of my baby-back-rib barbecue rub/ seasoning. And just before bath time we had a pumpkin lighting ceremony. The two "jacks-o-lantern" look so handsome there on the front porch, with the candle-light pouring through them. TJ was so proud. Just giddy. But I couldn't help but think there seemed to be one missing. There's something lonely looking about just 2 jack-o-lanterns sitting on the front porch. TJ seemed to be tracking with me, because when we came back in and headed up to bath-time, I could see his little mind start to kick into overdrive.

"We're back at OUR HOUSE!" He said, as if we'd just returned from some long voyage to some strange land. (We were 15 feet from our front door, for a grand total of about 2.5 minutes.)

"Yes, we are!" I humored him.

"Your house and MY house!" He clarified, in case I was wondering just whose house he was speaking of.

"Yup! Daddy's and TJ's," I echoed.

"And Mommy's in Heaven!" He said, out of no-where, seemingly to me... But I know he thought he was just finishing my thought for me. After all, it's not JUST Daddy's and TJ's house we're living in... it's supposed to be Mommy's too. (This was especially ironic for me tonight, because I'd just had a meeting with my mortgage guy to refinance the house, removing her name from the mortgage.) After some pause, he continued...

"I'm a little bit lonesome for Mommy." He said.

"Yes, Buddy..." I gave an adoring half-chuckle, to keep from crying. "I'm thinking of her quite a bit, too."

"Yeah. I wanted her to stay longer, but she didn't," he mused, as if she had some choice in the matter.

"Yes, TJ. I wish she could have stayed longer, too."

The whole conversation carried a rather matter-of-fact, light-hearted tone, really... as if we were talking about our pumpkins, still. And afterward, we took a shower, played band and baseball, brushed our teeth, and now he's asleep. We prayed as we normally do, thanking God for Mommy-- saying how much we love her and are happy that she is all better and with Jesus now, laughing and dancing and singing. He gave me his dimpled paci-smile as he always does when I pray that. And now he's asleep.

But his little words are still ringing in my ears. He's doing so well these days, that it's almost easy to overlook the scars on his little psyche... Hard to remember he's dealing with a broken heart-- trying to "fill the void"-- just like the rest of us. Shame on me for overlooking this. I'm thankful for that bittersweet little reminder tonight, and will make sure I give him plenty of opportunity to talk and share his thoughts about Mommy as the days continue to turn to weeks, and the weeks to months... and so-on...



11 comments:

Becky said...

Tyson, you're doing such an amazing job of caring for your little boy and his tender, innocent heart. God bless both of you.

beukelman blog said...

we continue to pray for you and TJ!

Anonymous said...

as i was praying on my way in to work this morning and prayed for you and TJ God layed it on my heart to pray for you both not to be "lonely" and then i came to work and read your blog. So I am starting work crying now...but good tears:)

The Moser Fam... said...

what a precious little man you have! thank you for sharing your heart and his with us!

ann said...

The baby boy is doing GREAT! He's thinking and wondering, but most of all he's TALKING to you. The matter of fact tone is just that - this is his world, like it or not, good or bad, fair or unfair, and he is making his way through it with grace. You, DAD, are doing a great job. Allow him to rise to the occasion, to meet his world and cope with it, appropriately. He's doing it, you're doing it - and that's awesome - painful, indeed, but awesome.

Auntie Gayle said...

Ty, I miss her, too, sooo much! I can't go near Castleton Mall without thinking of our many chats in Penney's salon while my "do" was processing. I remember her huge smile at my backdoor as she was flashing that beautiful engagement ring! And so many more wonderful memories. These days when I feel "out of sorts", I sense it's the grief rumbling in my heart. Your blogs are a constant reminder of God's faithfulness---thank you! Aunt Bec & I visited Leslie's memorial a couple of weeks ago. It is beautiful, Ty. It was hard to leave----I even held onto a leaf for a minute or two, kissed it while rambling some words of love to her. You continue to honor God and our dear Leslie with your life. Praise be to our loving Father! Hugs to you and TJ!
Auntie Gayle

Matt said...

that's one bright boy you got there.

everydayMOM said...

I'm pretty much crying my eyes out right now. As you always say, you just have to ride it out, feel the pain... Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks you for sharing. You are a wonderful father. I only hope that others will benefit as much as I have from your writing. You inspire me to be a better person.

eness said...

Hey Tyson!
Have you got any pictures of your pumpkins?? Let's see 'em!
Hope you have a perfect fall weekend!

Tyson Aschliman said...

There you go, Eness. Just for you.

:)